Change

     We all go through changes in life. Some good, some not so good and then we have those unfortunate devastating changes. We all go through puberty so that’s one change everyone can count on. Although it seems bad at the time it really is a good one. I’ve gone through so many in my life I feel like I’m forever making cocoons and emerging from them. Definitely not always a butterfly though.

     I went from being the youngest to being the quintessential middle child. I changed from an extrovert to an introvert back to an extrovert. Elementary school was typical and fine. Puberty set in as I started junior high and from then till my senior year of high school I was the quiet, awkward “fat girl” of school. College I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about me and joined a sorority. After college I hit some dark times then met my husband. I went from single, to a girl friend, to a fiancé, to a wife then finally my greatest change to a mommy.

     Nobody likes change especially an overly organized, clean OCD person like me. The last seven years have started the biggest and to me the most devastating change of my life. I was diagnosed with MS. At first it was relapse and remitting and now as of today I am in the Primary Progressive category. Not a group I cherish being part of trust me. I have been on a slow and steady decline up till the last year or so and especially now; we’re in the fast lane.

     My life has been turned completely upside down. I would get up and start my day, taking care of the boys, cooking cleaning. Jumping in the car and running errands alone or with boys in tow. I did it with no problems at all. Today, I wake up and at least I can say that much. I went from multitasking to barely being able to dress myself. Simple everyday things like brushing my teeth have become difficult because it’s hard to hold the toothbrush. Doing my hair falls into the same category. My hands are extremely weak. Cooking is minimal. A typical meal takes me longer than it used to. I gather my ingredients and utensils into the basket on my walker, sit at the kitchen table and prep. After that I roll it to the counter and sit at the stove and cook. Stirring is not happening and making a pot of pasta while home alone is nonexistent. I can go on and on but I won’t, you get the point. Same goes for cleaning. I cannot even stand long enough to vacuum, that is if I have the strength to push it first.

     I don’t like help, I don’t like asking for it, and I don’t like needing it. A bitter pill I have had to finally swallow. The worst part of this change is that it has taken away my freedom. I can’t drive but I do once a day because someone has to get my kids from school. It takes me 15 minutes to get from in my house to in my car. My right leg is almost completely paralyzed. Again I can go on but you’ve heard it all before. I went to my neuro today for a routine visit and was told that none of this is going to resolve and I am going to continue on this little journey of change. I cry every day; I have become an emotionless shell of myself literally existing only for my kids. I’m pretty sure I almost made the doctor cry once or twice, I know it got my sister. I try my hardest not to let the pain and stress show but I’ve reached a point where I can’t do it anymore4. I don’t want sympathy. I’m not trying to make anyone cry. Writing is therapy for me and as I’ve always said I write to inform.

     I’m informing everyone that I am very sick. I’m informing everyone that I am very tired of fighting against something I can’t beat. I’m informing everyone that I feel like shit mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes I have changed and no it’s not pretty this time but this is the reality that my family and I have to live with everyday. So on to my next therapist appointment, on to my next treatment, on to my next assistive devise. I apologize for the buzz kill blog today but I cannot change how I am feeling about what I am going through. Feel free to pass my story on to help others. Peace out cub scouts. Like Arnold said, “I'll be back”. XOXO