It’s now the end of July and I am still home on disability.
Still no relief in sight, I have tried a new medication which was a week of
self injections. We all know how Susan loves these types of medications. I have
become so used to shooting myself that I might as well become a heroin addict
maybe that will help. So far the majority of my summer has been spent in my
house and two thirds of that time is spent in bed. I tried a couple day
activities with the kids and everyone had fun but mom who suffered silently.
I
understand that MS is a very complicated and unpredictable disease but I have
been feeling worse than ever lately. Since my diagnosis in 2009 I have had some
things get better like the entire middle of my body being numb while at the
same time certain things have been getting progressively worse. My MRI’s come
out with nothing new or active in my spine yet my legs are weaker than ever, I
cannot walk without assistance and as of today I cannot stand up for more than
a minute before my legs start shaking and give out on me. The muscle tone in my
right leg is so bad that when I drive I can barely push the pedals. I have been
and still am on so many different medications that you would think I would feel
better. I think my Dr. thinks I am crazy at this point. I also feel like he has
no clue lately due to the fact that he is free of MS. All of these issues and
progression with no new lesions or active ones makes me think it is way more than
MS.
MS is
an auto immune disease and starts in the brain. My immune system is actually
the total opposite of what it should be. I am a ridiculously fast healer and
very resistant to infection which is not the norm for MS. I also have 3 nonexistent
lesions on my brain and a spine riddled with them. A person knows their own
body and when you think there is something wrong usually there is. I have been researching
on the computer and to me it seems more neuromuscular than autoimmune. Wait till
my Dr. hears this come out of my mouth. I know stress, heat diet, yadda yadda
yadda affect the MS but I have been eating different, staying inside in the AC
and as for stress like I always say everyday life is stressful for everyone.
As
everyone can tell from reading previous blogs that I write about my entire
life, I hide nothing. I also would like to reiterate that the reason I started
this blog was give people a glimpse at the life of just one person living with
MS. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately because that’s all I can do all
day. I still manage to take care of my family and my house. I go out and do
what needs to be done like food shopping and banking, I never go alone anymore
and just one shopping trip does me in for the whole day. So my thinking is
lately that nobody believes me due to all this. I guess the fact that I use a
cane all the time and walk like the humpback of Notre Dame means nothing.
Apparently I have been given the incredible gift of hiding and dealing with
stress and sickness extremely well. My life has been o constant downward spiral
as far as finances, health and relationship goes. With everything that goes on
(I will spare the lengthy details) I walk around very well adjusted and normal.
To me this seems abnormal. I feel like I should be going crazy or something. I
have no time for useless nonsense or everyone else’s crap being piled on my
own. Everyone has their problems but right now mine seem like they are the
worst to me and no offense I don’t care about anyone else’s shit.
This particular
blog was not so much about one specific thing but more for a much needed vent.
I did not get it all out but enough came out for now. So to recap, I am still
felling shitty and getting worse by the day, I am still too broke to pay
attention, my marriage is still rocky, and apparently I am going crazy now (at
least in my own head). Hey I gotta keep on truckin though and I do it all for
the loves of my life and the reasons I breath, my boys <3.
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