My problemS

                Everyone has their own problems in this world today. Nobody has a perfect life. If you say you do you are huge liars! Some problems are worse than others and everyone is entitled to feel that they have the worst at this point. I am going through some crazy ass shit right now but I try to see positive to keep me going. I have MS, I have 2 beautiful and healthy boys that make me smile; I have to use a walker, I got a brand new set of wheels. See what I did there??? I really try very hard not to be negative, but it isn’t easy as I’m sure most of you know.

                I also try to be a good mother, wife, sister, daughter, niece, and friend to everyone. My ear is always here to listen and give advice. If you are not going to take it then please do not waste my time. I believe everyone is put in and out of your life for a reason. It is a constant revolving door of people lately. I have come to a conclusion that God thinks I am Atlas, strong enough to deal with tons of shit in my life and everyone else’s problems. Just call me Dear Abby. I am so stressed and so weighed down I think that might be the reason I am not getting any better, the world is heavy man.

                So we all know my issues that have been ongoing blah blah blah. Now I have a new toy, my walker that comes in a million pieces. Not good for a person who can barely hold a utensil. When in doubt call daddy! It took me forever to start using my cane everyday and now this. I am convinced this is more than Multiple Sclerosis. No new or active lesions for two years yet my legs, arms, and back are deteriorating. I am embarrassed to use the walker. I feel like people look at me with the cane and make comments now; oh look at the fat ass that needs to use the walker because she doesn’t want to lose weight. Trust me so far from the truth. Yes I am over weight but I’m not 400lbs like I make it sound, I exaggerate for effect. If I could walk on my own without stumbling like a drunken sailor or falling like a new born bambi I would be at the gym and looking hot. Those who know what I look like you all know I would be a knock out if I was skinny. Anyway there is also my issue of needing to find a cheaper place to live because I cannot work and social security is a joke. So these are my problems right now, yesterday, today and till God only know when. I try not to dwell on it and hide my stress very well because this is the hand I have been dealt and crying, screaming, eating, getting depressed is not going to change that hand. I found an outlet and it is my writing. I don’t like to speak to anyone really id rather write it down that way I can talk to everyone at once. Everyone has problems, some worse than others. These are mine and they are the worst to me at this time and that is what occupies my head. So I apologize to everyone I am not giving a shit to it’s nothing personal, I’m just trying to keep myself from being crippled too early in life and out of the poor house.

Mindless thoughtS

               It’s now the end of July and I am still home on disability. Still no relief in sight, I have tried a new medication which was a week of self injections. We all know how Susan loves these types of medications. I have become so used to shooting myself that I might as well become a heroin addict maybe that will help. So far the majority of my summer has been spent in my house and two thirds of that time is spent in bed. I tried a couple day activities with the kids and everyone had fun but mom who suffered silently.

                I understand that MS is a very complicated and unpredictable disease but I have been feeling worse than ever lately. Since my diagnosis in 2009 I have had some things get better like the entire middle of my body being numb while at the same time certain things have been getting progressively worse. My MRI’s come out with nothing new or active in my spine yet my legs are weaker than ever, I cannot walk without assistance and as of today I cannot stand up for more than a minute before my legs start shaking and give out on me. The muscle tone in my right leg is so bad that when I drive I can barely push the pedals. I have been and still am on so many different medications that you would think I would feel better. I think my Dr. thinks I am crazy at this point. I also feel like he has no clue lately due to the fact that he is free of MS. All of these issues and progression with no new lesions or active ones makes me think it is way more than MS.

                MS is an auto immune disease and starts in the brain. My immune system is actually the total opposite of what it should be. I am a ridiculously fast healer and very resistant to infection which is not the norm for MS. I also have 3 nonexistent lesions on my brain and a spine riddled with them. A person knows their own body and when you think there is something wrong usually there is. I have been researching on the computer and to me it seems more neuromuscular than autoimmune. Wait till my Dr. hears this come out of my mouth. I know stress, heat diet, yadda yadda yadda affect the MS but I have been eating different, staying inside in the AC and as for stress like I always say everyday life is stressful for everyone.

                As everyone can tell from reading previous blogs that I write about my entire life, I hide nothing. I also would like to reiterate that the reason I started this blog was give people a glimpse at the life of just one person living with MS. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately because that’s all I can do all day. I still manage to take care of my family and my house. I go out and do what needs to be done like food shopping and banking, I never go alone anymore and just one shopping trip does me in for the whole day. So my thinking is lately that nobody believes me due to all this. I guess the fact that I use a cane all the time and walk like the humpback of Notre Dame means nothing. Apparently I have been given the incredible gift of hiding and dealing with stress and sickness extremely well. My life has been o constant downward spiral as far as finances, health and relationship goes. With everything that goes on (I will spare the lengthy details) I walk around very well adjusted and normal. To me this seems abnormal. I feel like I should be going crazy or something. I have no time for useless nonsense or everyone else’s crap being piled on my own. Everyone has their problems but right now mine seem like they are the worst to me and no offense I don’t care about anyone else’s shit.

                This particular blog was not so much about one specific thing but more for a much needed vent. I did not get it all out but enough came out for now. So to recap, I am still felling shitty and getting worse by the day, I am still too broke to pay attention, my marriage is still rocky, and apparently I am going crazy now (at least in my own head). Hey I gotta keep on truckin though and I do it all for the loves of my life and the reasons I breath, my boys <3.