Major Stumble

     So I am now convinced that I have the knack for jinxing myself. Last time I posted that I was feeling more energy and starting to feel better. Boy was that a mistake! I woke up Monday morning feeling like a Mac truck ran me over. The fatigue and back pain, hip pain, and arm pain have all returned. I’m hoping it will subside within the next week though. I am no longer going to vocalize when I am doing well. Apparently this blog is meant to be a “Debbie Downer” post all the time.

     Speaking of down, I almost went flat on my face this afternoon.  I was walking out of my front door and my legs forgot they were supporting me again, typical. I started falling down the concrete steps leading up to my door. My angel was definitely there though. Somehow as I was watching myself in the future falling and breaking all the bones in my face I managed to not do it. I went down the steps without falling but my legs were no help, just the left arm which is what I used to grab the banister to prevent the face break. Thank you grandpa for carrying me down the stairs. In turn, my pinky and ring finger, and wrist on my left hand are killing me along with my entire back and left hip. I sound like a 90 year old man I know. I feel like one too.

     This is always my biggest fear, falling down the stairs. I thank God I wasn’t holding one of my kids, that’s the only thing that scares me more than falling is falling with one of them in my arms. I have been overcome by this fear lately and it is one reason I don’t like to leave my house alone anymore. To literally have a full blown anxiety attack at the top of the staircase as I stare down and make my plan is sickening. Unfortunately this is my life. I was never a person to fear much but lately because of the MS I fear a lot lately. I can’t even begin to explain the feeling I get walking down stairs. I know you think it’s crazy but if you have n=been paying attention you will realize it’s not all that crazy. The thought of holding my son, a pocketbook, watching to make sure my other son doesn’t fall and making my game plan to go down literally makes me nauseous. So when I started falling down the steps you can only imagine the fear I felt. My heart was beating out of my chest.  I only hope my children never know this feeling. Day by day people, day by day.