About Me

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I'm a MS Warrior, a mom of 2 boys, and the best wife ever!! I was forced into early retirement due to MS. I decided to become a distributor for ItWorks Global and work from home.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Fast and Furious

          So this post can go a few ways. It can end up depressing everyone. It can inform everyone. It can inspire people. Let’s see if we can get it all in. I have so much I want to say so please forgive me if this is all over the place. Here we go!
     You’re sitting there watching TV. The scene cuts to his wife driving her car on her way to pick up her kids. She stops at a stop sign. The car moves forward and as she goes to break the car accelerates, SHE can’t stop the car. The car is speeding down the street towards a busy intersection as she tries in her panic to stop it. You’re watching in suspense. What's going to happen? Bam, cut to commercial and the power goes out. That sucks huh? I think I can help you finish this scene. Read on.
      Disclaimer: This is 100% true and not exaggerated even one bit. So I can barely move my right leg. According to my brain it doesn't exist, it hasn’t communicated with my brain in at least 8 years maybe more. The signal does not get there so whatever movement I had was purely muscle memory. As the years progressed so has the lack of use in the leg.  I have given up the majority of driving except for the once a day I have to go pick up my kids from school and to do that I need to lift my foot from pedal to pedal using my entire forearm. That too has become very weak. It’s not easy to lift a dead leg with a limp noodle, but I’ve been getting by till now.  
     So I get in my car like I do every weekday afternoon. That alone took me 5 minutes of struggling and contorting to get the right leg in. I go to move it with my arm; it was very hard to do. I pull out of my parking spot and start to make a U turn. At this point I already knew I shouldn’t be driving. I continued to the end of the block with huge difficulty trying to keep light pressure on the pedals.  3 blocks down I come to a stop sign, when I went to put my foot on the gas pedal is where it went wrong for real. I struggled to move it to the gas pedal and hold it up so not to speed down the street.  I tried to move it off so I can break again to turn but it wouldn't budge and then just fell heavy on the gas pedal. It was floored and I was doing 60 towards an intersection and I had the red light. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't move my leg. I even let go of the steering wheel and trie3d with both hands to move the leg and it wouldn’t budge. As I first realized this I started yelling “OH GOD” over and over. I have never felt fear like this in my entire life.
     When people say they saw their life flash before their eyes they are not talking about a highlight reel of their life. You literally see every possible scenario that can play out in the next what feels like an eternity but is a few seconds. All I kept seeing was the red light facing me and the cars crossing the intersection. I saw myself getting hit from a car on the passenger side and spinning down the rest of Leveret and let’s just say the outcome wasn’t a good one. After those three seconds of mental imagery and literally being paralyzed by fear I found my common sense.  I threw the car into neutral to stop further acceleration and managed to hit the break with my left foot. I stopped one car length short of the ref light. I put the car back in drive eased my left foot off the break and made a U turn and put the car in park. Then I had my nervous breakdown. One saving grace was this happened right down the street from my parent’s house and my brother happened to be there. I called him in tears and him and my sister came running.
      My worst fear of not being able to drive has come to fruition. I could’ve hurt or even killed so many people. I was lucky there wasn’t a car in front of me and no one on the streets. God literally took the wheel today. I am grateful that my kids were not in the car with me either. Today was my last day behind the wheel. It's a painful reality to accept but my glass half full is that I was able to stop the car and my life was spared and thank God my kids weren't in the car either. Again this is a completely true story. It felt and sounds like some Fast and Furious shit no joke. I'm here to tell the story and that's what counts! I am thankful for that this Thanksgiving. Good night and God bless.

Monday, November 14, 2016

A New Begining

This will be short I promise! Today I decided to start a new path. I WILL feel better. I WILL drive again soon. I WILL enjoy life more. I WILL love life more. It all starts with a WILL! It's about time I get off my potty pot and become the multitasking, OCD wife and mother I was before this bitch called MS showed up. Today I start working towards a recovery. Physical therapy, healthier food choices, good supplements. I hate my walkers and wheel chair!  I do t want to drive around Disney World in April,  I want to run with my kids around Disney!💙💙🙏🏻

Thursday, November 3, 2016

Change

     We all go through changes in life. Some good, some not so good and then we have those unfortunate devastating changes. We all go through puberty so that’s one change everyone can count on. Although it seems bad at the time it really is a good one. I’ve gone through so many in my life I feel like I’m forever making cocoons and emerging from them. Definitely not always a butterfly though.
     I went from being the youngest to being the quintessential middle child. I changed from an extrovert to an introvert back to an extrovert. Elementary school was typical and fine. Puberty set in as I started junior high and from then till my senior year of high school I was the quiet, awkward “fat girl” of school. College I didn’t give a shit what anyone thought about me and joined a sorority. After college I hit some dark times then met my husband. I went from single, to a girl friend, to a fiancé, to a wife then finally my greatest change to a mommy.
     Nobody likes change especially an overly organized, clean OCD person like me. The last seven years have started the biggest and to me the most devastating change of my life. I was diagnosed with MS. At first it was relapse and remitting and now as of today I am in the Primary Progressive category. Not a group I cherish being part of trust me. I have been on a slow and steady decline up till the last year or so and especially now; we’re in the fast lane.
     My life has been turned completely upside down. I would get up and start my day, taking care of the boys, cooking cleaning. Jumping in the car and running errands alone or with boys in tow. I did it with no problems at all. Today, I wake up and at least I can say that much. I went from multitasking to barely being able to dress myself. Simple everyday things like brushing my teeth have become difficult because it’s hard to hold the toothbrush. Doing my hair falls into the same category. My hands are extremely weak. Cooking is minimal. A typical meal takes me longer than it used to. I gather my ingredients and utensils into the basket on my walker, sit at the kitchen table and prep. After that I roll it to the counter and sit at the stove and cook. Stirring is not happening and making a pot of pasta while home alone is nonexistent. I can go on and on but I won’t, you get the point. Same goes for cleaning. I cannot even stand long enough to vacuum, that is if I have the strength to push it first.
     I don’t like help, I don’t like asking for it, and I don’t like needing it. A bitter pill I have had to finally swallow. The worst part of this change is that it has taken away my freedom. I can’t drive but I do once a day because someone has to get my kids from school. It takes me 15 minutes to get from in my house to in my car. My right leg is almost completely paralyzed. Again I can go on but you’ve heard it all before. I went to my neuro today for a routine visit and was told that none of this is going to resolve and I am going to continue on this little journey of change. I cry every day; I have become an emotionless shell of myself literally existing only for my kids. I’m pretty sure I almost made the doctor cry once or twice, I know it got my sister. I try my hardest not to let the pain and stress show but I’ve reached a point where I can’t do it anymore4. I don’t want sympathy. I’m not trying to make anyone cry. Writing is therapy for me and as I’ve always said I write to inform.

     I’m informing everyone that I am very sick. I’m informing everyone that I am very tired of fighting against something I can’t beat. I’m informing everyone that I feel like shit mentally, physically and emotionally. Yes I have changed and no it’s not pretty this time but this is the reality that my family and I have to live with everyday. So on to my next therapist appointment, on to my next treatment, on to my next assistive devise. I apologize for the buzz kill blog today but I cannot change how I am feeling about what I am going through. Feel free to pass my story on to help others. Peace out cub scouts. Like Arnold said, “I'll be back”. XOXO