Acceptance

     Acceptance it’s hard for a lot of us to deal with. These days people are not very accepting of many things. When I was growing up I never ignored another kid because of their skin color. I never even knew what religion really meant. All I knew was that people came here from different countries to make one great country, The United States of America the key word id united. Sadly we are not united as a country anymore which makes me sad. Sad that the world has gotten this cynical and sad that my kids have to grow up in a world that is un accepting of so many things. I keep my political, religious, sexual preference; race opinions to myself because they are mine not everyone else’s. The sooner people learn to do this maybe I can be more accepting of the world I am raising my children in.

     That being said acceptance is a hard pill to swallow. I have been struggling with it for quite some time now regarding my own illness. I have uttered the phrase “I hate having this disease” through tears more times in the last week then I ever have. The last seven years I have been struggling to accept the fact that I am sick. I look at others with MS and see how well they are doing and think to myself that if I keep pushing myself I’ll be ok too. Nope so not the case. In fact it’s the opposite the more I push the worse I get.

     I am sick. I have Multiple Sclerosis. I am losing my ability to do simple everyday things. This is a pill the size of Cleveland people. I finally accepted this today, I’m not happy about it but I accept it. I accept the fact that if I want to be able to drive I need to have my car modified. I accept the fact that I need a stair lift because I cannot walk up into my own house in less than ten minutes. I accept the help I need from my family and learn to ask for it more often. I also accept the fact that in a way I am alone in this fight.  

     No one can truly understand what I live on a daily basis. All this acceptance sucks ass! I hate the letters MS. I hate that I am just forced to accept my fate of rapidly degenerating. Depression does not even begin to describe my emotional status. I am in fact emotionless. I speak to no one. I hardly leave my house. I don’t care that I no longer have friends and don’t care what people say about this either.  I know there have been a lot of Debbie Downer blogs latterly but this is my only way to release it. I do not wish this life on my worst enemy. 

This is Me

          Ok so this blog is roughly five years old. I started writing this as a way to cope with the new life i was unwillingly given. I also started writing because I was getting a lot of questions from friends and family about MS, so I decided to give them a glimpse into the life of one person living with the disease. Multiple Sclerosis affects everyone who has it completely different from anyone else. Its basically a coture disease, lovely but I'd rather have a one of a kind bag instead. Anyway as I said this was a way to cope and it has helped a lot. as of lately though not much has been helping me feel positive about my future.You see some people are diagnosed and go their whole lives without symptoms, others progress so rapidly they end up in nursing homes to be cared for. Me? I'm in the middle i guess.
          I was diagnosed officially in October of 2009 with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis (RRMS) which 90% of people with MS are diagnosed with. I am now in between Secondary and Primary Progressive MS (SPMS, PPMS). My disease has technically been in remission but I'm also steadily progressing. Confusing? Oh yeaaa. so here we go, try to follow. MS is basically your immune system attacking your central nervous system; brain, spine, and optic nerves. Essentially my body is fighting with itself. So what happens is T cells eat away at the myelin which is what covers all nerves and axons. Think of the rubber covering a wire wearing away and exposing the wires. This causes lesions. Now typically MS starts affecting the brain before the sign but shocker I'm not typical, my lesions are all up and down my spine. When it hits the brain it can cause cognitive issues and optic issues among other things. Once it starts in the spine we have more physical issues from tingling in the fingers to paralysis.
          This is me. I am going to lay it all out for y'all. lets start with pain. I have pain from my neck down to my toes. I feel it literally in every bone, muscle, ligament and joint. Head aches, I've had one for three weeks now. Arms, they're fine for now but my hands are a different story. Grabbing things like utensils, pens, change etc. is beyond challenging and when I do have something in my hands 9 out of 10 times I drop it cause they are too weak to hold a lot of things. Now my legs, oohhhhh those legs of mine. They're sexy but that's where it ends. I use a walker all the time and a wheelchair at times also. I have three walkers, each serves a different purpose. My legs are so weak and heavy that the only way I can describe it is if Tinker Bell had elephant legs. It would be pretty hard for her to move them without that pixie dust. I cannot stand up unassisted or for more then a minute or two. I need help standing from a sitting position. My right leg is pretty close to paralysis at this exact moment. I have to lift my right leg to get into bed on the couch or in the car. Driving is rapidly going to become a thing of the past for me. I have to move my leg with my hand from pedal to pedal and hold down on my knee to make sure the break stays down. If I have the option of not driving I use it. I only drive when absolutely necessary.
          So those are the visible signs that people can notice just by watching me take two steps. Now here it goes, i'm going there. The internal issues. Lungs, yes they are affected. It sometimes becomes very hard for me to take a breath in and it happens with no warning. My bladder, intestines and bowels are all screwed up too. I am on medication so I don't pee my pants, but i still do. My intestines do not absorb water leading to bowel movement issues which I also take medication for but shocker not helping much either. I have little to no abdominal and pelvic muscle control so I cant feel when i need to pee nor can I hold it in and on the other end i cannot poo when i need to. That's not the TMI moment, this is...I am 37 and i have to purchase and wear adult underwear whenever i leave my house. Finally I am all sorts of screwed up mentally from all of this. I do not leave my house unless absolutely necessary. Why? Just reread what I wrote. Some of you get this some of you never will. I am very sick believe it or not. If you miss me you know my number and where I live.
          This is where I'm at right now. I hope some of you understand a little better what I'm dealing with on a daily basis. I could go on and on with the mental and emotional toll it is taking on me and I will not even dip a toe into how my kids, husband and family are dealing with this, that's a whole page in itself. Enjoy the rest of your summer my peeps.