New treatment

     So on April 25th I had a 6 hour infusion done. This is my new medication. I sat there with my parents all day hooked up to an IV. I'm not gonna lie I'm not100% sure what type of medicine it is. I heard it was a type of chemo, I heard it wasn't, I've also heard its used in chemo but it isn't actual chemo. I don't know I've read and heard a bunch of different things from the doctors and nurses. Anyway all I know is there are 2 hours of preventative melds pumped into me before the 3 hour medication and a half hour flush after. One of the pre meds made me sleep for a while but no reactions or side affects which was great. My second treatment was 14 days later which was today. It hit me hard today, I slept Thea entire time and it made me feel a little sick today.

     So within the two weeks between my treatments I guess I was hopping for some sort of miracle. No such luck. I'm still getting worse day by day and last week was probably one of my worst weeks in a long time. If I don't start feeling better in another week or so I have decided to go back to the doctor who originally diagnosed me with MS. 

      I am a firm believer in a person knowing their bodies. I knew I what was wrong with me before I got an official diagnosis. I have also been feeling that what is wrong with me is something beyond MS. My doctor tells me it"100% is MS" it's progressive he tells me. He also changes his answers with every visit. I gave him one last chance with this treatment. Lets just say I'm not hopeful. I've been on a lot of different medications in the last six years and I still feel like poo. If your doctor doesn't listen and meet you half way it's time to move on people. I like Dr. Howard but I'm afraid I might have to move on.  So my point to this is that I now have two treatments down and this is the final try.

FEAR

Fear...it lives inside all of us in some shape or form at one point in our lives or another. I know fear, I live in fear everyday. I also know it's friends pain, anxiety and depression. If you are looking for an inspirational win one for the gipper post this isn't it. This is a slap in your face dose of reality kind of read. So let's begin. Shall we?
     My health has been on a steady decline for the last year. Today I have reached my cry, scream and hate the world point. My husband helped me out of the shower, dried me off and helped me onto my bed so my body can recover from my shower. The simplest thing is no longer simple for me. I am saying with complete seriousness and no exaggeration that I feel like I am slowly becoming paralyzed. I mean physically, mentally I've been there for a while. I have the hand strength of a new born, my right leg is almost completely useless to me and now the left one is joining in on the fun. I have horrible balance, no muscle feeling or control in my abdomen and pelvis. The muscles in my entire body spasm at any given moment and Otis so painful and uncomfortable. I have issues breathing, swallowing ,thinking, my skin crawls. I fall at least once a week. So fear, yes I live it.
      I wake up and hope I don't fall as I try to get out of bed. I have to pee and I pray I can hobble to the bathroom in time. I have to leave my house and look down the flight of stairs I have to walk down and pray I don't fall down them. I make deals with my body when I get in the car to drive cause I have to make the sign of the cross and start the car. I come home and it literally takes me five minutes to drag myself back up the flight of steps I prayed I didn't fall down. I walk outside and wore with every step that I'm going to fall and hit my face on the concrete. By the time I reach my destination I'm exhausted. When anyone sees me I use all the energy I have to hide all this and make myself look normal.
      I know when people see me they might think I'm a Debbie Downer, hypocondriact a constant complainer so this is why I am as quiet as I am. When asked how I'm feeling it's always the same answer and even I get tired of hearing it. We all have things going on in our lives I am well aware of that, again the reason I keep quiet and do not socialize anymore. I'm sure there are people worse off than me and God only gives us what we can handle but for me this is my worse this is more then I can handle. I am throwing in the towel, I surrender. I have the best support system in my family and friends. I hear how much they give me credit for doing this, and how I am the strongest person they know, and how special I am to them. This support is why I am still fighting nut honestly I'm tired of this fight right now.

       I'm off a lot of medications and started a new one. I had my first treatment a week ago and so far no difference, still going down this hill. I'm nit special, I'm not the only person on earth with MS but I am a voice for people who want to know. I say it all the time every case is different this is just my personal battle with MS. Personally it's a shitty battle. Fear, we all know it and these are just some of mine.