Mri'S

So today I took a day off work to go all the way into the city with my father for my MRI’s to be done. I took my daily medication cocktail when I woke up as well as a klonapin to prepare my nerves. We left the island at seven A.M. and made it for my appointment on time. I registered and filled out the same paper work I have filled out for the last two years. I took another pill to calm myself even further. I was called in to be prepped for the test. I have been doing this for so long I don’t need to be told a thing anymore but Joe decided I needed to hear his script. Joe did not get that I was in no mood to hear it and trust me anyone else would have gotten the hint. So I put my gown on sit and wait for the room to be ready. Joe called me in and explained that this was a brand new machine, top of the line, wider and shorter tube. Even though it had track lighting it still looks like a coffin. So they take my glasses, ask me to lie on the oh so comfortable metal slab, put on my stylish ear muffs, put the Hannibal Lector cage over my face and hand me the “oh shit”button.. All this makes for a very comforting feeling. As Joe is doing all this I am trying to keep my mind on other things and eyes closed. They roll the table into the machine and leave the room. No warning the lovely head banging noises begin.

                The last two times I had my tests done I was heavily drugged on valume and I also had somebody telling me everything going on. I was even given mood music. This time I had no music, no comforting step by step and no valume, just klonapin. As I hear each sequence begin I try to think of things other than the tube of death I was in. I was good for a while. Then it happened, I had bad images pop in and out of my head, my chest got tight and breathing heavy. OH NO…MAY DAY MAY DAY! I tried everything to calm myself and then it happened, my hand involuntarily squeezed the oh shit button. It was over. The full time I was in there 10 whole minutes. I have learned today which medications truly work best for the major anxiety I suffer from. If I could be completely sedated for it I would be.

                So I walk out and let my father know that we made a wasted trip to the city and I got the signature daddy eye roll and head shake. Oh well so much for thinking I was able to do it. Unfortunately I do need to go back and have the test done next week because I am reaching a point of not being able to walk or drive again. So the test is rescheduled for next Friday and I will be there with the proper

My public Service announcement

So nobody ever said life was easy…ain’t that the truth. I understand the hard work it takes to get through normal everyday life for all of us.  I never put myself above anyone else or say I am better then you. I can say this though, I have to work just a little harder at life then some people do. I have been in deep thought the last few days and have been realizing a lot. I have also been very down lately which has led to my deep thinking. I am officially stating that all the dead weight in my life has got to go for good. People who think they are above the rest of us have no room in my thoughts anymore. I am thankful for my family and friends who love, support, and help me when I need them most. The rest of you can kindly kiss my semi-crippled ass! I am no longer there for you to use and walk all over. I refuse to let the fact that you pretend to still care in case you need something down the line bother me any longer. I am a good person with a good heart and good intentions. To those of you that have taken advantage your time will come, leave me alone now. I have bigger and better things to worry about then your feelings since you never took mine into consideration…ever. Say what you want behind my back cause sticks and stones people, sticks and stones. I like the high road, the view seems nicer from up there and that’s where I think I’m gonna chill for a while.

                Ah I feel so much better now that I finally said what I’ve been holding in for so long. Anyway I am feeling compelled to cleanse emotionally and spiritually in hopes it will help me physically.  As I have been saying lately I have been feeling crappy again. Today has possibly been my worst day since I was diagnosed. I am currently in bed writing because I am no longer able to stand or walk at this point. The pain running through my body is so bad that I actually took a pain killer, and for those of you who know me know its bad then cause I hate taking prescription painkillers if I really don’t have to. Things are slipping through my fingers…literally. My hands are numb and painful. My joints, bones and muscles hurt from top to bottom. I can’t stand straight or walk without holding something or someone and that’s only if the pain in my knees lets up enough for me to actually stand. I think the only part of me that is ok for now are my feet; it’s the rest of the support system that is failing.

                Despite all these feelings that have peaked today, I went out and did my normal weekend errands as normal people do and proceeded to cook a kick ass dinner for my husband and kids. And no it does not hurt to kiss my own ass like that…ha-ha. Sorry if this seems so depressing and lacks my normal self abusive humor but I am being very serious. I go for my MRI’s Monday morning bright and early. I also need to see three other doctors and have a few more tests done to see what is going on inside my body beside MS. Apparently God has gotten bored and thought it was time to mess with someone so he’s back to me. Not that I am blaming God or anything, we’re buds so he likes pulling pranks on me and making me stronger by giving me more then I would like to handle. I will deal though, I have no choice I’m only 32 and I have two beautiful boys to raise.

                I will always say I live for my kids and they are what keep me fighting every day. Screw you MS and any other shitty health problems that want to join the party!

More testS

              Ok it may seem like every time I write and share with everyone I am complaining…well you’re right. It’s not fun to write when everything is going well so deal with it. Ha-ha. So as the world turns I share with you the days of my painful life. I am slowly discovering that I am slowly developing a few new issues along with the old ones returning. I am so off balance that I would be locked up for failing a drunk driving test and lying to an officer about it. My hands are beyond numb and my arms and legs are beyond weak.  I took a shower tonight and had to hold the wall the whole time cause I could barely stand. With this my lovely husband decides to crack a joke and tell me he’s buying me a shower chair for mother’s day. Ain’t I so lucky?

                Sooooo I had taken this week off of work and so far every day I have had a doctor’s appointment. With each appointment I have been told I need to see another doctor and go for more tests. More MRI’s for me YAY! I know you are all jealous but no you can’t be me for a day. I also was told that my four month rash is not an issue with my meds or an allergic reaction. I was tested and found that I am allergic to copper sulfate but still no answer as to why I am so friggin itchy. So onto the gastro cause I might have liver issues causing this rash…fun. I was also scolded by my neurologist for smoking which is a recent development. They say try to stay stress free so I smoke to help the stress. Needless to say today I hopefully smoked my last cigarette. And so in conclusion, I still am not fully functional and have a plethora of tests and appointments to make and take. I will keep you all posted till then wait with anticipation and love.