I don’t write to complain (well maybe a little), I write to inform. There are so many people who have so many questions about Multiple Sclerosis; I am definitely one of them. I am also one of the thousands of people living with Multiple Sclerosis. I decided to document my struggles and obstacles I face and try to overcome with this disease and believe me there are many. I have only been “officially” living with MS for just under two years. What a long two years it’s been. I have not had more than a day or two of relief here and there and as I write it is not getting any better. I have been writing about all of my aches, pains, and tingles as well as all the stress and issues that lead me to said aches, pains, and tingles.
One of the biggest issues I have been having lately is trying to get my medication covered somehow; three months later and still no luck. As I said I still have tons of questions about MS and as I have come to find out so do the doctors I speak to. I have been without my MS medication for three days now and tonight it is starting to hit me. I had to leave work due to a useless right arm, facial numbness and right leg numbness. Unfortunately it always seems to be the right side of my body and I happen to be a righty. Some doctors say that not taking meds for a short time won’t affect you that quickly…wrong! I want to meet a neurologist who is living with MS as well because I am sure they will know exactly what I mean. MS is so annoyingly and predictably unpredictable.
The pain and weakness that is taking over my body again is really getting annoying. I have to deal with this for the rest of my life and I’m only 32. Hello major depression. Everyone says to be strong; I have kids to take care of. Screw you I am tired of being strong. I am tired of looking good to cover up the pain. I am tired of not sleeping at night because of MAJOR stress about my life right now. The truth, the truth is I am screwed! I stay awake every night wondering how I am going to pay bills and feed my kids because I can’t work the way I need to. I am tired of being sick and tired. I don’t want to hear how strong I am or need to be or how God only gives us what we can handle. This tough love crap does not nor has it ever worked on me. I am not strong and God I cannot handle everything you have given me lately. I am ready to turn my back. I am about to give in and make a deal with the devil. I am pretty sure the drug and insurance companies have because this whole process is hell lately.
My face says it all; no matter how much makeup I put on. I walked into work pale, dazed, and very slowly. Everyone who looked at me could automatically tell how I was feeling. I left work early and a fifteen minute drive took me almost forty-five. As I was driving I had moments of confusion where I would zone out. I am thankful I didn’t get into an accident. I was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol and I felt like I was. I still feel like I am. This is not good. The only thing to do is go to bed and get up every morning, make breakfast for the boys and continue on with my life like I have been for the last 32 years. Time to say see ya for now cause my fingers and wrists are on fire.
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