It’s not for lack
of trying but I wake up as I’ve said before a little worse each day. The
holidays don’t feel like they used to anymore. These should be the best years
of my life, enjoying the holidays with my husband and crazy kids. Instead I sit
home all day alone. My kids come home from school and we do HW, dinner, then
they play a little or watch TV till bed. By the time they get home from school
my body is ready to close down for the night but that cannot happen when you
have young children. I push through. I push through the pain. I push through
the sheer exhaustion. I push through not being able to balance when I stand. I push
through having a leg that has become so rigid it will not bend or move at all. Or
move at all. You know what? I’m freakn tired of pushing through. I’m tired of
acting like everything will be ok. I’m tired of putting up a front for
everyone.
I have the oddest
feelings lately that are so hard to explain. I feel like my body isn’t mine. I
am emotionally inept lately and have no desire to show any emotion. I am trying so very hard to be positive and
upbeat. I try to see the glass half full. I am a firm believer of getting back
from the universe what you put out. I guess the universe can tell when you’re
faking it to make it. Nothing gives me hope or happiness anymore. I have no
desire to be mushy or loving. I’m like a robot on auto pilot. I am not the same
person I used to be. It’s like my mind has been placed into someone else’s body
and I do not like it!
This time of year
I’d be driving from store to store with my mother and/or one or both of my
sisters. We like to go late because we are night owls. I’d be going to the city
with my family to enjoy a New York Christmas for the day. I’d be walking around
the stores and the mall just looking at all the decorations around me. Last
year I did that but not all of it. This year I can’t do any of it. The only
holiday decorations I enjoy are my own, which wouldn’t be up if my husband didn’t
take direction well. I only enjoy the stores from my phone and TV. This effing
sucks! I hate this! My mind and body are no longer friends and do not communicate
anymore.
Ok so I wasn’t going
to get into the nitty gritty but I’m a talker, I’m Italian. Just getting out of
bed every day is like a Cirque Du Sole act. I have to twist turn and contort to
slide off the bed all the time praying I land on my feet and not my ass. After that
I’m ready for a nap. I can’t even lift or bend my own leg so I am dependent on
anyone around me to help. I started in home physical therapy and oddly it has
made things worse. The PT said that it is actually possible for that to happen.
Shocker it would happen to me. So that had to stop. Now we change medication, again. Now we wait
for approvals, again. It’s just a huge waiting game that makes people go crazy.
I’m going to stop
here because I literally cannot form a cohesive thought anymore. With that I will
say good night my loves. XOXO
