I had told my husband when I was diagnosed at 30 that I know I will be in a wheelchair by my 40s. Morbid? No, realistic. I am now 35 and using a walker 98% of the time and when I don't I'm leaning on someone or something to keep me up. I get all these recommendations from people with MS, people who know people with MS, people who know nothing about the disease and a handful doctors. I try everything I hear about. Anything that I think would help.
I feel beyond help now. I have so many issues that are now being attributed to the MS. I have been noticing little things here and there like bladder and bowel muscle control. I've seen 3 different doctors this week of 3 different specialties and heard from 2 that my issues are due to my MS. I never gave any thought to the muscles that I involuntarily use everyday all day like my entire digestive system. My muscles are so week that my intestines are not able to move food through, my stomach takes forever to digest and I choke on acid as soon as I lay down. Without going into anymore detail lets just say I feel like an infant in more ways than one.
Que more meds and tests. I layout more money for co-pays than groceries it seems. I am beyond words and way beyond frustrated! Every day I wake up and try my hardest to do normal everyday things but I also wake up and notice how many things are slowly declining. I know there are people who think I am exaggerating, overreacting, a hypochondriac. To these people, I feel sorry for how ignorant and selfish you are. I also know there are a lot of people who are sick of hearing me "complain" when you ask how I am feeling...to you I say go scratch! If you don't want to hear it don't ask because I don't feel good, I haven't felt good in a long time, and I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel yet so deal with it. To the handful of supporters thank you.
I don't wish this disease on my worst enemy. No one can know what I go through on a daily basis unless you walk in my shoes. Imagine things falling out of your hand for no reason, having to hold a cup with two hands like a baby, needing constant support to stand and walk, fear of a staircase, needing to run to the bathroom when you can barely walk, and trying to make everyone around you believe you need no help at all. It's exhausting! So while everyone is asking for designer bags, jewelry, and electronics for Christmas I am begging Santa for relief and a fucking cure already! I also realize thanksgiving is in a week so with that I will say I am thankful for the fact that I still wake up every morning, I have two beautiful and healthy boys and a loving and supportive family behind me.
