Magicians are a wondrous
distraction to all of us. We sit there and wonder how they do what they do as
we ooh and ahh at it. It’s fun and…well magical. The brain working nonstop to
figure out all the tricks, there’s got to be an explanation for how it was
done. Smoke and mirrors that’s all it is. The magician’s job is to amaze and
amuse us by putting up a front an act if you will.
MS
patients are not much different than magicians. We live everyday with one of
the worlds most baffling diseases. No one knows how, why or what causes it. As
people living with MS and the daily pain and whatnot that comes along with the
territory we put up a front. As I have said many times one of the worst things
you can tell us is “how good” we look. Trust me we aren’t feeling so good. It’s
all smoke and mirrors. We get up every morning and those of us who still can
get out of bed and go about our day with a painted smile. For the majority of
us it’s an illusion we work hard on.
I was
asked today more than once how I “do it” everyday with the kids, house, family,
etc? My answer as it always is…I have no choice. That is the answer for most of
us, we have to do it. We have kids to raise, meals to cook, houses to clean,
and families to cherish. Granted I am one of the lucky ones to have help there
when I need it but I do a lot of what I have to with little help. I was also
told how good I looked given how bad I’m doing. I understand it comes from a
good intention as well as an uncomfortable lack of response but stop telling me
that. As I sat and spoke with my boss today she told me that she gave me a lot
of credit for dealing with all I have been and am currently going through, that
I seem to have accepted it. I said to her it’s an act…smoke and mirrors. I am a
magician. I fool everyone into thinking I am calm, cool, and collected, and
have a good outlook on things. LIES all LIES!!! I am good at faking it. I have
a hysterical breakdown every 2-3 months or so, in private. I wake up every day and
convince myself I can still do it all.
I appreciate
all the kind words really I do. If I seem nasty it’s nothing personal, I am just
tired. I am tired of the pain, fatigue, numbness, questions, and having to
pretend all is great. I don’t have any positive answers to “how are you feeling”
so to avoid everyone thinking I am a Debbie downer or hypochondriac I hide it
behind an attitude lately. I apologize, it is nothing personal. Yes I do this
and yes I have tried that. I am not sitting in my bed all day doing nothing,
although I would live to. So to all those who are fortunate enough to live MS
free, I wish you never have to know the pain of it. Just because we look well
does not mean we are…try to see beyond the smoke and mirrors.
