As many know I have
been dealing with more than just my MS and on top of this am not able to work
right now. With all I have been putting up with I have been extremely calm and
level headed about all my situations, this to me is not normal behavior. Well today
it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I had a mini break down moment. It didn’t
last long but at least some sort of emotion finally showed up. I feel a little
more normal now.
Multiple
Sclerosis is such an unpredictable bitch and she takes a toll on everyone and
everything in her way. Kind of like a tornado. It takes a toll on the patient,
the family, friends, work life, home life. It takes a toll physically,
emotionally, and most certainly financially.
Between the costs of medications, co pays, medical equipment, and every
day bills one not being able to work does eventually feel it. This has taken a
huge financial toll n my family, immediate and extended. If it weren’t for the
help of my parents and sisters I don’t know where I’d be or what I’d do. I am
also tired of having to ask for this kind of help.
I feel there
should be an organization that is there to help patients with the everyday
financials, utilities, groceries, etc. This is major stress for us MSers and
stress does not do well for our disease. I would love to start some sort of
organization or do a fundraiser to help with such things. I have been denied
Social Security twice now. Apparently having a crippling disease is not severe
enough to give me the money I have worked for. No no lets give it to the lazy
crack heads that’s more important. I have applied yet again and I am asking for
prayers that they finally accept me. I need to live and unfortunately am to
sick still to work every day. My head was just floating above the water now it’s
up to my eyes. I am close to drowning.
There is the
financial toll, now for the emotional toll. I have spent the majority of my
summer in my house with my two kids because I can’t take them out alone. The
stairs are not easy to go up and down, and if I do make it to the front if one
of them gets hurt I cannot run to them or pick them up. I think I need a face
book hiatus, as if this doesn’t upset me enough that my kids have to live like
this I see all these great vacation, beach, and park pictures and makes my
depression that much worse. I all these “friends” on face book but yet I sit
home alone with the kids all day every day. As for those rare days I feel ambitious
enough to try to drive to one store or sit at the park with the kids and one of
my siblings, it puts me in bed for the next one to two days after.
Like I said it
all hit me like a ton of bricks today. It is very hard for me now to hide how
frustrated, upset and depressed I have really been. I feel useless to everyone
especially my children. I hate that the words “mommy one day when you feel good
can we…?” It breaks my heart that this
is how they are growing up. Once again if it wasn’t for my sisters who take
them on little trips they would never experience anything lately. Everyone has
problems and these are mine.
